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A Soundproof,

high-blood pressure zone boiling with RAGE.

Warning, may contain CAPS.




On June 6th, 1944 the Allied Powers (a great name for a rock band) landed in Normandy, France as part of their world tour. The Germans, who knew the band was going to make a loud stop on mainland Europe sometime soon, had prepared their defences in anticipation of this concert of bullets, blood, and guts - or so they thought. The German welcoming party’s leader, unknown to his own generals had taken absolute control of these defences; and like anything Hitler ever touched, smiled or looked at, ruined it. He moved military units around, elongating logistcal and communication lines and issued orders prohibiting any operations without his absolute approval.
So, when the rock bands from America, Canada (the most well behaved of rock bands), France and the U.K landed on the sandy beaches of France early that morning, the Germans could only wait until someone in their ranks had gathered enough courage to wake Hitler up from his sleep and issue orders.


That never happened. Hitler woke up in the afternoon; missed the live telecast and was forced to watch the highlight reels of his team getting trashed.
It’s never easy waking up, to a loss. Ask any sports fan. And this was war!


A sleeping Hitler on the morning of 6th June, 1944 had no bearing on the eventual success of the Allied landing in Normandy.  But it could be argued that an awake Hitler, at the very least, would have rallied his defenders and boosted their morale, making the allied landings on Normandy and the establishment of a beach-head harder than it already turned out to be –  it is this straw that I shall clutch to – to make my case for his guilt in the matter at hand.


If I had not read or heard about ALL the OTHER terrible things this man plotted, planned and thrust upon the world- If the ONLY thing I knew, was that Hitler helped ruin the reputation of waking up in the afternoon; I would still be as disgusted with him as I am in the knowledge of everything else this ‘poop stain on the toilet bowl’ version of a human being did.

Adolf Hitler ruined many things; the list of those things is extensive and painful to read.
Included in that list is some of the most innocuous stuff:

  • the mini moustache

  • standing in an open top Mercedes and waving to crowds of people

  • stretching your right hand

  • the German greeting, “Heil!”

To this list, I propose to add the following: ‘Sleep’

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The conspiracy’s origins are in the Neolithic revolution and the establishment of permanent settlements which gave rise to a new career option - farming.

Because of the lack of reliable artificial lighting for the last 12,000 years or so once the sun set, our ancestors could only farm in daylight hours and that meant, rising at sunrise to make the most it.

Before farming however, we were hunter-gatherers, and were particularly good at it. That lifestyle persisted and was perfected over 150,000 years - so perfect that 20th century hunter-gatherer societies spent 10 hours per week LESS than their modern farmer cousins procuring the same quantity of resources for sustenance. That meant hunter-gatherer societies had more leisure time and that meant MORE SLEEP.


The choice it seems then, was this: hunt baby deer and in return, we get to sleep for longer.

Our ancestors chose to leave the baby deer alone. YOU BASTARDS!

The following llustration cannot be used for illustrative purposes.

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